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My Greatest Fear That Keeps Me Up At Night

My Greatest Fear That Keeps Me Up At Night

In one of my interview, the interviewer asked me this question that is life changing to me: " What keeps you up at night?".

I couldn't think of any other thing at that time except that I don't know what to cook for my family tomorrow. Everyone laugh, it's funny and definitely not the most professional answer.

But the truth is I ponder over this question a lot after that. What is my biggest fear actually? What is something that keeps me up many a night?

When I was young, I fear that I wouldn't be accepted by my friends. I fear that I would fail in my study. I fear of dissapointing my parent's expectation and those of others. I don't like the dark, I get nervous when I am left home alone, and I generally don't watch horror movies (even until now).

When I get married I fear that I am not good enough for my husband. And I fear that I am not good enough to be a good mother. I fear that I can't cook delicious and healthy meal for my family. I fear that now I can't control so many things in life anymore.

When I left my job, I fear about my future career. I fear about what people will think of me. I fear that I might not get a good job anymore. I fear that people will look down on me. I fear that I will lost my identity.

When I started a business, I fear that it will not go well. I fear that my idea is a crap and no one will buy into it. I fear that I will fail in the business.

Then I realize my biggest fear is actually the FEAR OF FAILURE. The fear of not living up to my own expectation (not anyone else), and the fear that I couldn't figure out how to deal with something unknown. 

Those fears paralyzed me. I walk away from being original and true to myself. Instead I play safe. I don't try hard enough anymore because of that fear.

Then I become a mother. And I look at her. She is exactly my mirror, exactly who I am with all my fears of failure.

She refuse to walk until she was certain that she won't fell down. She refuse to write when she forgot how to spell the words. She gets angsty when we correct her mistake. She is exactly like me with all my fears.

So I decided to change. Everyday when I pick her up from school I will share about my own day so she can share about her day too. I will talk about my day, my joy and sorrow and my failure on that day when I try something new.  Then I will ask her about hers. When we play games I will let her win and lose at that same time.

She was very hesitant to tell me but slowly after I share a lot more about myself she started to open up. When she lose the game, I will high five and congratulate her. Then we both will sit down to have little party with drinks, snack and music to celebrate it. Yes we celebrate our failures.

Because failure means we dares enough to try something new. Learn something new. Failure means we aim high, we make effort and we take action. 

And if we learn about it, we can laugh about it. Then it's all worth it!

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